I’ve been hacked.

It happened so fast.

It was really spooky to have messages from thieves arriving in my inbox at silly o’clock. I felt angry and scared at the same time. Invaded even. But maybe it’s not a huge sinister crime syndicate wanting to kidnap and torture Mr Mustard. More your spotty youth working for a ne’erdowell, cramped in a damp basement somewhere not very nice at all. And there was me, lying propped up in bed early morning with a cup of tea checking emails with my lovely big dog snoring into the linen duvet.

But still. A moment of not thinking straight and now all the social media platforms I’ve been slowly building for the last 20 years have locked me out.

They played the long game I think. Offering me virtual badges and awards for jumping through hoops. I thought it’s what I needed to do to get on the right side of the algorithm. And then “Instagram” sent me this new mail full of praise for how I’d been running my accounts with daily posts and lots of engaging Stories… they said they wanted to reward me further. I was going to win big. They just needed to verify my identity with my password.

I’ve never been much good at winning things. One Third Prize and a Highly Commended throughout my childhood. Can’t remember any gold stars after infant school. No Prefects badges or Head Girl status for me and even my Highly Commended was disappointing. It wasn’t my best work.

The category I chose was Garden on a Sand Tray for the local schools display at a summer show. There were only three other entrants (the first, second and third prizes) and the advantage they had (I realised too late) was bringing their trays empty and laying out their gardens in the tent. Whereas I had carried mine across the fields. Three stiles. My tray garden looked like Uncle Quentin’s back doormat at the end of Five Go to Smugglers’ Sands.

And my Third Prize wasn’t much better. It was for the Religious Figures category. I really liked spending time at our local church and wanted to make something to impress the vicar, so I decided to create a Virgin Mary out of a toilet roll tube. I remember it was going well until my art teacher suggested I gave her ‘a nice big smile.’ I felt too shy to disagree but the Virgin I was basing my sculpture upon was the one who had just watched Jesus getting crucified. So when the teacher helpfully twisted her red crepe paper mouth into a grin, I tried to alter it later when the glue had gone tacky. The scarlet dye had run down the carefully painted face, and the glue made it look like a glossy grimace. Like I say, not my best work.


Isn’t it strange how, at any age we like a little acknowledgment of our efforts? Whether it be for making a mess on a sand tray or gaining 28k followers on Instagram.

So when I woke up too early on a Saturday morning and found an email waiting to let me know I had been awarded a new badge I forgot everything and just clicked.

And now, when I’m away on my big birthday trip I won’t be able to keep in touch as I’d planned with terribly glamorous shots on Instagram. I didn’t really fancy any big celebrations so I’m spending my party money on a trip to Africa. Then when I’m back I can get on with the rest of my life.

TWO LOVELY FREE THINGS

There’s a new addition to my YouTube channel. And if you’ve ever wanted to see inside Brown Dog Studio, this is for you! I’d love to hear what you think of it!

Gabe Alborough, my partner’s son and talented young film maker, made a short documentary film from hours and hours of footage he took over three days. It’s an insight into my personal process of painting preparing panicking (and hula hooping) before a little archive sale at my private work studio in Brighton. Back when I was 59. Imagine that.

For Club members, there’s a chance to win a brand new super remarqued print… see @littlemustardclub on Facebook or Instagram for details of how to enter. I’m so grateful that my mistake with the hackers did not affect Amber’s accounts.

I hope this email finds you well and that you’re managing to cope with all that life is throwing at you.

I hope you enjoy the summer solstice celebrations and that perhaps you’ll pick up a bargain in the Tofty Birthday Sale.

And I hope you are wise enough to NOT click on one of those pesky hacker’s links. Apparently, some people do…

Until the next time, lots of love from the Big Clicker,

Sam Toft x